My life long dream is to invent spandex clothing with lines on they back that become words when stretched to far. This way I could put messages like "If you can see this you are too damn fat" I don't think it's mean, well, no worse than you making me look at your fat ass in spandex.

When the man on the phone told me he was calling for MCI, I said,

"I'm sorry. They're not here."

                                                           And I hung up.

did you know that my pants have eight pockets? i mean, it's not funny, i'm just saying

What if Blue was really spelled R E D?

You'd think with a name like urinal cakes that they'd be edible...well, they aren't.

If you put penis enlargement cream on without gloves, shouldnt it make your hand bigger too? cuz then you could tell which people use it. they would just be walking around with an enormous hand. that would be cool, but not as cool as if my dog could talk